I struggled for days deciding what I wanted to write about on my first blog post. After multiple glasses of wine I finally decided to just pen all the things I could write about. Mental health, bipolar disorder, being an exjw, shunning, divorce, activism, writing, and at the bottom I wrote “Who am I?”.
I stopped and looked at that question for a minute and decided to write all the things I considered myself to be. I’m an author, project manager, activist, girlfriend, sister, friend, dog mom, ex-wife, and then it dawned on me; I am changing into a new person almost daily. The person I was in 2019 is certainly not who I am now, and even from last week to this week I have grown courage in ways I’m proud of. So, I decided to take that realization and I found my first article.
Losing who you were, means letting go of things or persons from your past. Finding who you are, means learning what you want to become, and loving yourself.
In the last two years I have lost a husband, a mom, a family, friends, a dog, and a community. Above all of that I lost faith, faith in God or a great power. I hope there is a God of love, and I hope there is a greater power working to better individuals, but from what I have seen and experienced it is hard to be certain this greater power exists.
Saying goodbye to my family and friends took an act of courage I didn’t know I had. I hope no one thinks it was easy, because when it came to the minute or second of saying goodbye all I could do was leap. It was as if I stepped off a cliff hoping that the water below me was deep enough and soft enough to welcome my landing. I knew it was what I wanted, and I prepared as much as I could have in the circumstances I was in, but ultimately it was a reality I had not experienced before. How would I react? How would I answer questions? How would I feel living alone for the first time?
I picture myself landing in the water at the bottom of the cliff, and it was inviting. The coolness and fresh feeling of the water washes over my skin, and my hair floated around me weightless. Interestingly, I’m still there in that cool space with water surrounding me. I look around to study the light shining in from above. I see life from the school of fish in the distance and air bubbles are dancing around. It’s calm and my body temperature is matching the waters now. Staying here isn’t dangerous and I see no urgency to leave.
As I float in this peaceful space, I am
deciding who I want to be. I am now free from being told who I must be, and I can wander through experiences I never dreamed before. My whole life I wanted to put my tears in words, and I wanted my fears to be heard. I wrote journals, poems, and songs but knew it was all in vain from being shared. Today I am an author, and I will publish my words for the world to see.
To find who you are, and who you want to become will take time. I am enjoying the freedom to explore and grow. When I pass away from this earth I will be happy and settled knowing I went as the person I truly desired to be.